i'm the boss. i do what i want.

I am a creative person, well to me that sounds a bit pretentious but its the only way to label what I feel that I am. I am inspired by nearly everything and those inspirations force me to create. I guess I am a relatively creative person. I like the word relativity more than I like the word relatively. My mind is scattered which is kind of annoying to some people namely my mother, because my being scatter brained disrupts my ability to tell a good story because I tell it all sorts of out of order. Back to the point. Sometimes my “laziness”(I hate that word) stops me from executing my creativity. No! That’s false. I always execute my creativity in one way or another, but rather my own insecurities inhibit me from sharing it with the greater world(which I suppose in a way is not executing my creativity). I seesaw between just saying fuck it and putting it all out there and saying fuck it I’ll keep it to myself because I’m scared of the feedback I’ll receive. But really I shouldn’t be teeter tottering between either of those. What it should be about, bottom line, is that everything creative that I do is a reflection and an extension of me and as long as I am true to myself nothing else should matter. Now its a matter of following through with what I just said.

ayo, its thanksgiving, and i am sitting hre doing the cliche thing and thinking of all that i am thankful for. and i am more than thankful for a lot, shit i am thankful for everything, but at the top of my list is being safe and sound and warm in my home surrounded and enveloped in positivity. i know there are a lot of people that dont have that, and that is what i am most thankful for. second; my loved ones. man. they get me through the day the night the good the bad the foul everything. they are my heart and soul without them i would be a fuck of a lot more lost than i am.

lots of love to you and yours and have a happy and safe thanksgiving day.
xoxo.
ky.

p.s. cant believe its the holidays already.

so its tuesday, and i dont like tuesdays, just how shit is.
but this tuesday i was feeling a little different, maybe it was my lack of sleep due to heat trouble. either way, i was in rare form today.
so just a list of shit thats on my mind.

1.hospital grape juice beats all other brands, and i had to find out from the nurses that this shit is brandless. so i cant even go to the 7eleven and get some.
2. i love my friends. i hate them, but really, i love them.
3.me and my phone go from being best friends to worse enemies day in and day out. it goes off when i really dont want it to, sure, i could just turn it off, but i cant because I am kind of waiting on someone to call.
4. i hate having hella my family on facebook, because i cant say shit how i wanna say it.
5. i am a cusser, like all the way down to my bones. happy, sad, angy, excited you name the emotion and i am probably off somewhere swearing. how i know i dont have tourettes is because i know when to and when not to sound like an obliterated sailor.
6. my heart hurts all the time, like, rigt now, it hurts. been like this for a month, been on bedest for a month, and i am tired of it. but tomorrow i find out whats really good.
7. i dont know what i am wearing to thanksgiving dinner yet.
8.i need to put some gas in my car.
9. time for me to go out with some friends that just touched down in the bay, even though i am on strict orders to not do anything. but, you know, im a rebel.

When I am stressed beyond words, when I am done internalizing everything, and I just need a physical action to separate my thoughts from my mind I smoke a cigarillo. I go outside and sit on my deck, I let the cold crisp night air embrace me. I feel around the pockets of my coat to find the lighter and the cig. I pass the cig through my fingers and place it between my lips. I play with the lighter ignite the flame, let it go, ignite the flame let it go. I cup my hand around the lighter and bring it close to the cig I take in a long drag and blow out a few circles, that’s my temporary fix. I blow rings, I have to concentrate, and once that circle leaves my lips. I watch as the winds carries it away, and I imagine my worries, my stresses, my problems are in those circles being carried away by the air surrounding me.
I don’t smoke often. Shit, I haven’t even ever smoked a hole cig in one sitting ever. It’s just something that I do a couple times a year, when I feel the burdens of the world have grown too heavy for me to bear. I take a little smoke break, and once stub out the cig I go and pick up all my shit and carry them until they get far too heavy again.

I hate going to bed with a head full of complicated thoughts, I toss and turn all night like my moving will free me of them.

1. being inspired.
2. getting a phone call from someone you’ve been wishing would call all day.
3. apple pie with butter pecan ice cream.
4. friends that visit while you are on bed rest.
5. when you get a package in the mail sooner than you expected.
6. finding something you thought you lost.
7. a clean room (one of my favorite things in the world)
8. when a song you forgot you loved plays on the radio.
9. cute couples (not the annoying ones with drama)
10. that it is basketball season again.
11. cake.
12. my moms spinach dip (beyond yum).
13. my gold toms shoes.
14. my sweatshirt that says ‘thursday’.
15. how close christmas is.
16. how much closer thanksgiving is.
17. hanging out with friends or family you havent kicked it with in awhile.
18. MY L I F E.

Both of my parents hail from the south, my father of Louisiana, and my mother of Arkansas, both of them coming from big families, huge even. My father is number 10 of his 16 brothers and sisters and my mother is the baby of 16. Many a summer I have spent in these southern regions, taking in everything that differs from my city life. Watching my parents completely let go of city life and immerse themselves in the lives they used to have. Where paved streets are uncommon, and fireflies buzz in the night air. I remember as a child looking forward to spending my summers in the same place where my parents spent theirs when they were my age. I remember playing outside with no shoes with my cousins, and going to the house on the corner to by popsicles two dimes and a penny. Those summers hold my fondest memories, perhaps the reason why summer holds my heart. Over the years circumstances have changed, but one thing remains the same. I look forward to the next summer the moment the one I’m in ends, and I miss everything I leave behind until I have it again. Missing how the food is never ending and how a peach nehi can bring the cool, and the hot thunder storms in the middle of the day. I miss the popsicles, my cousins, the playful arguments of my aunts and uncles, the humid in the air, the green of the leaves in the trees, watching in awe as the fireflies fly.